How Rougeville nearly lost his face, and the Queen her head.

London, September 1795.

Last week I saw my friend Rougeville again – though I dread to call him that, now I have heard the rest of his story. But the poor man will not live long, I can no longer restrain him from harming himself. I fear I cannot blame him and even must admit that I would be tempted to do the same were I in his place.

Rougeville wanted, before leaving this world, to recount in full his last encounter with Marie-Antoinette, and the circumstances of her death. He does not beleive these will be properly recorded for posterity, and tells me already that a certain drawing of the Queen going to the scaffold has been falsified. He has entrusted me with the original, by a man called David and I am reproducing it below, following the Chevalier’s express wishes.

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How to have fun with the bathroom cabinet.

You’d think that in this day and age, if you wanted to do something a bit creative and disreputable, you’d do something that involved an electronic device, or designer drugs. But it seems that we’re turning back to simpler times, when people didn’t have access to toys beyond everyday household goods.

Here it is in the news…

First, if you want to get a very culturally trendy high, just ingest some bath salts. Ok, the drug wasn’t actually bath salts – it’s called that but you wouldn’t want to put it in your bath: it’s a fertiliser. On the other hand, it can turn you into an actual face-chewing, bullet proof zombie. And you can buy it at a convenience store.

If that second piece of news is correct, there’s no need to spend any money on taking your autistic child to expansive therapy anymore. You can just force him or her to drink Miracle Mineral Solution, otherwise known as household bleach. Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t work. It’s still child abuse, though.

Please don’t try these at home.

Now back in the fifties, people turned to their bathroom cabinets for contraception. Women would wash their vaginas with Lysol, a well-known disinfectant, with the aid of a douche bag, prior to intercourse. Unsurprisingly, this method not only killed fetuses, but caused their hosts some hefty damage too! Still, in days when contraception wasn’t readily available and abortion not an option, this may have seemed like a viable solution.

Far be it from me to want to put the name of any head of state in the same sentence as the words ‘douche’ and ‘bag’, but one has to wonder what the women of Turkey will do, if abortion is made illegal there.

They may well have to try this one at home. Let’s hope they don’t.